4 Weeks and 3 Days : )))) Some Advice For All New Preggers

Today I am definately feeling tiny bubbles of nausea in my stomach and the teensiest bit of the gag reflex in the back of my throat. Also, when hunger hits in the morning it hits harder than normal. It's the kind of hunger you would normally have when you haven't eaten all day and feel like you could eat your hand. And it comes on so fast. I know it's going to get worse and I'm a little nervous about it. When I had M/S with Lilly, it was soooo hard. I am so grateful that I won't have to deal with work during it. I just remember sitting in my cube with people sitting there with me, talking work or just shooting the breeze, and dying inside b/c I was STARVING and nauseaus and I just wanted them to leave SOOOOO bad so I could go out and eat a supermarket. Of course, this was when nobody knew I was pregnant yet...it was so hard to keep it a secret once the M/S came full on. I worked so close with my boss, she sat right next to me and we did all of our work together. It was brutal!!!! I also have to give some advice (if anyone cares) to those newly pregnant women who work....don't tell anyone you are pregnant until you are good and ready. I eventually told my boss waaaaaaay too early. I told her way before I was going to disclose it to anyone else at work. I told her b/c it was sooo hard to avoid my morning sickness. I could barely hold a conversation w/o looking like I was going to lose my lunch. So my boss told me she wouldn't tell a soul until I was ready for everyone to know. So she gets fired from the company when I was 6 months pregnant. One of my good friends that worked in the Accounting Dept. told me that my boss had told a whole bunch of people that I was pregnant. Her exact words were "Everybody knew...she told everyone...". Is it any wonder this chick got fired? And it's sad b/c I considered her, not only a boss, but a good friend of mine at the time. She was up to alot of shananigans at work, apparently. I'm sort of chuckling as I write this b/c here I am all public blogging about how I'm pregnant to the world...ha..ha. All of you will know, but nobody that I really know will have access to my belly secret for a couple months (except my family, of course)..ha..ha. That's b/c I love you all so much!! (Kisses!!!) ; ))))

"You're Pregnant!"

Yes, I could hardly believe my ears, I felt like I was on another planet for about 1 minute. I was dizzy and shaking. Honestly, I didn't even want to pick up the phone. I have to admit though, it was 11:30 when BIVF called me and my first thought was when I saw who was calling was...."jeez, it's pretty early, they usually don't call until later..." So there was the teeeeeensiest glimmer of hope that it could be good news. The nurse said my beta was high at 450. I'm still astounded. So of course I went out right away and bought a digital. I just HAD to see this for myself!!!

So, I thought I knew all the "signs" of pregnancy and I thought I was out of luck about 4 days ago. But now that I look back these were the "symptoms" I had throughout the 11 days waiting, and these are as I remember them.

1. Awful dizzyness when I woke up in the morning right around 3dp3dt. It lasted about an hour after I got out of bed.

2. Woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I pulled a muscle in my uterus while stretching in my sleep. This was the only thing that happened that I really hopefully held onto the entire 2ww. This is b/c throughout my entire 18 months of trying I never once felt this as a phantom symptom. The ONLY other time I felt this happen was when I was pregnant with Lilly. So when I started to really feel down and depressed, thinking this IVF was a bust, I would remember that one time I felt that "pulling" and it would help keep the faith alive.

3. Tired early at night and I had to take a couple of naps during the day (which I NEVER do). But I just attributed this to the progesterone.

4. My lower abdomen clearly felt as firm as a basketball. But I thought this was the progesterone or swollen ovaries.

5. About a week ago I did have a slight bout of queasiness....but it went away pretty fast.

6. Lately just the teeniest bit of heartburn...but nothing to write home about.

And that's it!! Very very subtle things that I would have just written off as nothing or the progesterone supps.

So I'm going in next Thursday for an ultrasound. I'm not sure if they'll give me another blood test, I'm thinking no. The nurse didn't mention a second one, but we'll see. Right now I'm just basking in the glow of no nausea and still feeling great and hoping both of the embies are wanting to stick around a long while. I was so excited to pull out my book I had bought for Lilly soooo many months ago "I'm The Big Sister", and read it to her. I propped her up in our bed this morning and read it to her. She LOVED it and there were no tears reading it to her this time.

And Devon was beyond happy when he came home last night!! (I realize I'm jumping all over the place, my apologies) I had wrote out the "Dear Daddy" poem inside a beautiful card, with a sweet and precious sleeping baby on the front, and addressed it to him. When he came home he was not in a good mood b/c work was a bear. But when he read the card, his eyes welled up and he just kept saying "No, really?? Really!!! Really???". He thought I was putting him on. He was psyched. All in all, it was a truly amazing day. I just hope the good luck rolls on.

THANK YOU BOSTON IVF !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saw Celtics Win 17th Championship!!!

Okay so dh and I love the Celtics. We've been going to the games since we started dating. We always had a blast at the games, yes we wished they would win more but we loved it nonetheless. So this year has been, in Boston terms...AWESOME!!! Dev and I went to the game Tuesday night and it was amazing. The Garden was crazy!! It was the best game I have ever seen the Celtics play. They didn't miss an offensive or defensive beat. It was great and I can't wait until next year. We took a whole bunch of pictures!!

10dp3dt Thinking About Martini's

I can picture it now...I'm sitting in the kitchen tomorrow clicking off my phone from just receiving the news that my beta was negative. I know I will want to numb my brain immediately. What kind of martini would you make in this situation? I haven't had a drink in ages. So I'm trying to plan for the only thing to look forward to after the inevitable happens. Really, I just can't imagine I'm pregnant. Still not a symptom to speak of. My boobs are like flapjacks, even the progesterone isn't making them sore. I have to admit, this one will hurt. If this didn't work I think I may be waiting until the end of the summer before starting the FET. I think it takes a while to get those cycles ready. Our Truro vacation is in August and I don't want to screw with that. So, possibly an IUI before we do FET? Not sure. I may just buy a test today to end this crappy wait.

7dp3dt...not hopeful...

I'm trying so hard not to make this blog pessimistic...ugh, it's so hard. I really don't think this IVF worked. My symptoms are all phantom, I'm convinced. I spent the early morning lying wide awake in bed, preparing myself for the bfn and the next step. I'm not sure if it will be FET b/c it needs to be ok'd by my insurance. Technically, I'm supposed to do 3 IUI cycles before my first real IVF. But the clinic doesn't know what they will do in this instance of my converted cycle. I think a frozen cycle costs around 5k so maybe they will approve it over the IUI. That would be good. I don't know which way to go, really. This is so all-consuming and I'm exhausted from the high's and low's. Not to mention, my entire family and IL's know about this cycle and are all waiting for the verdict coming this Friday. That is beginning to stress me out too. None of this is private anymore and that sucks. God, I just wish this could happen naturally like my first pregnancy did. When Dev and I were able to enjoy the happiness of this by ourselves for a nice while. Now my entire body is my whole family's business (and apparently many other people's business, as my sisters have educated extraneous people with the details of my lovely infertility life...internal scream and a deeeeeep breath...). I'm beginning to really wish I didn't tell anyone. My problem is I need help from my sister and mom to babysit Lilly. I had to tell them, and truthfully, I did want their support. But then, the next thing I knew, Devon had told his whole family. I totally understand that he needs an outlet too so it didn't really bother me...but now I just feel a little bit more exposed which brings on more pressure. I don't want to disappoint. ((Sigh)) One day at a time...

Duck...Duck...Goose

Hello Monday, Goodbye Gorgeous Weekend, Hello Crappy Weather!
Well, we had SUCH a nice weekend. The weather was perfect, we had no plans, what is there not to love about that? Nothing..ha..ha. We took Lil' to the zoo on Saturday. We fed ducks until they nearly burst. That is Lilly's favorite job as a zoo-goer. There were adorable ducklings all over the place and my cute-meter was hitting tilt. What I wouldn't give to hold one of those cuddly, fuzzy little beauties. Their mom was being very protective of them and made sure nobody got close. It always amazes me to watch mommies in the wild. It is so instinctual, their babes are the most precious things. I think that mommy duck would attack a lion if it went for her ducklings. Speaking of the lions, the lion cage had a male and a female in it. I could sit there and watch them all day. They are so magnificent and so regal. At one point, of course, they are both lying there, enjoying the gorgeous day and Mr. Lion gets up, stretches, opens his mouth and yawns. He slowly tries to get on top of the female lion...wants a little afternoon delight, of course. It was so funny watching all the parents try to make up some kind of an explanation for what the lion was doing.."Yes Bobby! That's right, they are cuddling!". The best part was the female lion got pissy and tried to bite the male. He got off of her quickkkkkkly!!..ha..ha. She was like..."not now, we've got an audience, dummy!".

4dp3dp...Uterine stretching?

Could it be?? I woke up like twice last night feeling like the insides of my uterus were pulling away from something...it was kind of scary and it hurt. But I was so tired that I just fell back to sleep with delusional thoughts that my two embies were tearing away from their snuggly place. What I have to say is I do remember this very clearly from my first pregnancy. Soooo, we'll seeeee. No other symptoms to report, whatsoever. I am so excited for a restful and relaxing weekend. Last weekend was slightly crazy so this weekend we are chilling out. Tomorrow we are taking Lil' to York's Wild Animal Kingdom. She officially turns 2 tomorrow, June 14th. My little squirt is growing up like a weed.

Doing the HAPPY DANCE for the Celtics win!!

Dev and I had just the best night watching the Celtics game last night. In short, Devon has been under tremendous amounts of stress with his job lately. The quarter is ending and he's got alot to do and finish before that happens. This always equals out to frustration and mounting pressure. I don't have to tell you how that comes out in the wash at home. I try so hard to help him out b/c I've worked in his field before and can add my two cents but most of the time I feel like I'm just noise. Anyway, we had a break from IF and his job stress and watched the Celtics game last night. Lilly had a very busy day of playing outside so she crashed early and it was just the two of us. We had such a ball watching the Celts come back from a 24-point deficit to beat the Lakers and bring the series to a 3-1 lead. It was freakin' AMAZING!! We were so jumpy watching them creep back into the game and then when they got the lead we were jumping off the couch every second! I'm so psyched for Paul Pierce!! It's been a looooooong 10 years in Boston before this year, that's for sure. Devon is the hugest Celtics fan and has been since I've known him. All the time we've been together, they have been basically a mediocre team. He has game tickets that his buddies divvy up every year and so we go to games a bunch of times. It's great. This year was amazing and I couldn't have been happier watching him enjoy this entire season. He is like a kid in a candy store and it's so nice to have one of those wonderful things in life that we both enjoy and can share together. Watching the Patriots and Red Sox win has been unbelievable too, but I've got to say watching Devon enjoy this season of Celtics success has been pure, beautiful enjoyment. If they lose on Sunday, we have tickets to game 6. I don't know what to think at this point, but I've got to say, it would be more than AMAZING to go witness their championship win!! We'll see!!!! : ))))

A Shot and a Beer

3dp3dt
Uuugh, I woke up crying this morning from another one of those fabulous IF nightmares. This happened last cycle too...God, I hope it's not a sign. Dev and I were again sitting with other husbands and wives waiting to hear if I was pregnant or not. But this time instead of being in the clinic waiting room we were in a bar, of all places. The couples that weren't pregnant got a shot and a beer and the lucky ones that were pregnant got milk. Of course, we got the shot and the beer. I'm haunted and now I'm convinced that this IVF didn't work. SUCKS!!! I wish I could shut my brain off for the next week until the beta test.

My sister and her husband and kids are leaving Sunday to go to Grand Cayman. We were supposed to go with them. We opted out b/c I thought I'd be pregnant by now and probably not able to fly....it gives me chills to think all this time has passed. My uterus is still empty!! We could be flying off to Grand Cayman and having a relaxing time not thinking about my empty uterus! Damn!!! Damn!!! And did I mention it was a free timeshare that my other sister and her husband didn't end up using???? We would only have to pay airfare??? Yup, dumb dumb dumb is me. I had too much faith in my body working correctly and now Lilly, Devon and I will be stuck here in lovely MA for a week and a half while my sister and her family swim with the stingrays at Stingray City!!! Sigh...ha..ha..sorry you were invited to my pity party. More and more, I think I'm ready for a break if this IVF doesn't work.

The World Spins Round and Round

That is what I felt waking up this morning....like the worst bedspins from drinking WAY too much. Now I'm 2dp3dt and not sure what the dizziness means but I know I didn't sleep well last night. I have alot on my mind lately and I think that's what was keeping my brain lit like a lightbulb. I'm crazy groggy and tired this morning and dizzy dizzy. The heat is mostly gone, well, it's still hot but not humid. Thank the good lord above. I can't take the heavy heat. Hopefully these dizzies will go away...but most of all I hope they actually mean something! I bought my pineapple and Pom yesterday and am starting that portion of my 2ww. Still a little cramping but not like yesterday. Yesterday I had alot of cramping...again...hoping it means something this time.

2 Beautiful Bouncing Blobs!!!

I am the proud owner of two beautiful grade A blobs! Besides my daughter, I've never set eyes on anything so gorgeous! They are snuggling into a warm spot in my uterus and their picture is taking up a wonderful spot on my fridge. The ER went very well, very quick. I've been crampy today and hoping so badly that this is a good sign. I was bad and didn't rest all that much the day of ER. It is so hard to when you have a 2yr old mexican jumping bean that doesn't tire out even in 96 degree weather. Also, I really can't sit around in my house for too long with her, she'll go crazy. We've been to the pool and played outside in the backyard, tumble time at the Y...but I made myself more of a passive spectator watching Lilly do her thang! She loves it and you really can't keep a busy toddler down!

Lilly's Bday and 18 of the 24 Fertilizing As We Type!!!!

I am beyond happy right now. The day couldn't have gone better. We had our families over for Lilly's 2nd birthday and as we were celebrating the nurse from BIVF called and told me that we have 18 eggs fertilizing out of 24! I feel so incredibly lucky it's amazing. I just hope so badly that one of those beautiful embies is going to be my baby!!! After all this time trying, it's hard to imagine this could be it. I'm treating my body like a temple for the next few weeks until my first beta test. I will be at BIVF at 8:45 Monday morning for the transfer. We will see at that point how many to put in. Dr. Alper said 2 initially but we'll see what kind of quality we get with them by Monday and ultimately decide.

Lilly had such a fun day. She celebrated with all of her wonderful cousins. They all got down to their skivvies and played in the baby pool and the sprinkler. It was a hot day so they had a ball in the water. The grass I was tryyyying to grow outside is now mud. Ohhhh well, I can't get too upset today. Tomorrow is our open house and unfortunately that mud may not go over too well. Oh well, I feel like I've done the best I can to get our house looking as nice as it could for the open house. It's going to be like 92 degrees tomorrow...it should be interesting to see if we get anybody that is not going to the beach!

You're a Chicken!

...Ha..ha!! Trinny one of the ever-beautiful nesties made this exclamation on the boards today when I reported that the RE extracted 24 eggs from my voluminous ovaries. I cracked up at that one. I was shocked when the RE came over to tell me. She actually wrote it on a little sticky tab of paper and held it in front of my woozy, tired, nauseaus face. I looked at her and said "no way...". She goes "good number!". I'm so nervous about the number though, because of the quality. I just hope and pray that some of that quantity is fabulous quality!! Maybe I'll be able to freeze some which would be wonderful if this IVF doesn't take. At this point we are implanting 2 blastocysts. The nurse is going to call me tomorrow to let me know the update on my little embies! I can't believe this is happening...it's now starting to sink in that as I type this my little follies are fertilizing into blastocysts...CRAZY!!!!!! After all this time trying to get them to fertilize inside of me with failure and knowing now they are actually growing in a dish in some laboratory and hour away from me...again...CRAZY!!! It's fitting b/c tomorrow is my little chiquita banana Lilly's 2nd birthday. I am so thrilled to celebrate her birth, it's kind of overwhelming. When the nurse walked me out to the car and I saw Lilly in her carseat and my husband opening the door for me, tears came to my eyes...I am one step closer to bringing you your little sister or brother, Lil'!! And one step closer to bringing you your next daughter or first son, Dev! My stomach is doing flip flops with happiness right now. I'm praying this works!!!

Tomorrow Tomorrow, I Love You Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is my ER (egg retrieval). I have no idea how many eggs they are going to get. I'm really not that nervous, just a tad anxious that's all. I'm mostly nervous about getting the sample to the clinic on time. Dev's done every sample at the clinic so far. I am hoping beyond hope that this is a typical Friday when it comes to the traffic. I had two consecutive appts. at BIVF this past week that left me sitting for an hour and a half and I ended up late. If anything happens to the sample, I guess poor Dev will have to give another one. Anyway, that's my main concern...that and the fact that we are bringing Lilly with us b/c I really didn't want to bother my family yet again to help me out. They are all busy and if Devon is going to be with me, she will be fine in the family waiting room. Gotta get a good night's sleep tonight! More updates to come!!

Other than the IVF drama-fest we have another biggie weekend. Lilly's second bday party is Saturday!! We are thrilled and are amazed that this little beauty is going to be 2 already! I can still feel her in my arms and her soft, baby chick fuzz on her adorable baby head. She is blossoming so beautifully everyday of her life, new words, new behaviors and lots of crazy toddler ideas! She is stoked for her birthday party b/c she's been to so many of her friend's and family's bdays this year. She seems to have a good grasp on the fact that everyone is going to be singing "Happy Birthday" to her this time....and she'll get to eat a big piece of cake afterwards..ha..ha. That is truly what she is looking forward to! And of course, Elmo will be the big star on her cake this year. Last year it was Winnie The Pooh. Sunday we will have our open house from 11-2. It is supposed to be 90 degrees outside...just our luck, right? It is going to be SWELTERING in here and I'll be amazed if we get one person here. Until tomorrow...

IUI to IVF Flip Flop!!

My world turned topsy turvy yesterday....hello! I haven't been on in a few days b/c it's been C-R-A-Z-Y, crazy around my house. First off, I spent all last week getting our house ready for our first open house that didn't happen. We just were not ready. So we are doing it this Sunday. I was able to breathe a little bit when we changed the date to this Sunday...UNTIL!!!....the nurse calls me from BIVF on Monday and tells me that I have 12 follicles and I will either have to cancel the cycle altogether or convert it over to IVF. I was shaking in my shoes when the words came out of her mouth. My 150iu of gonal-f was working my ovaries overtime, man!! Not to mention my left ovary is popping out of my shirt practically b/c it's filled with fun follies. So anyhow, the verdict is that I'm converting this to IVF. I am extremely lucky to have it covered by insurance...but now it's been a Chinese Fire Drill getting the rest of the meds I need to finish this cycle out, get everything signed and scheduled for this to happen. My nurse called me today and let me know I will be triggering tomorrow at some point for a Friday ER. Yesterday I could barely breathe, but today I feel more confident in the process. I sat down with my doctor and he explained the whole dealy to me. He's a great guy...he's like.."So are you excited?? Nervous?? All of the above??". Ummmm, yeah! Holy crap, of course! It looks like Monday will be the 3dt b/c that is "what they do" at BIVF. I don't care as long as it works.

I took Lilly to the pool and to Tumble Time at the Y today, which is something we both needed. We had a great day having fun and putting IF on the back burner. With the whole house thing and this IVF-crazy train, I have been feeling so bad that Lil' and I haven't spent a ton of time having fun. So today was Lilly Day!!